We could be dancing

I begin this rant with anecdotes from an actual conversation I had with a friend:

Miss SingleYou know? I have a friend, she was sooo desperate to have children that she joined the SDU, got married, and now she’s expecting a baby!
Me: Well, since you brought up the subject, let me tell you what I think. I don’t think your friend was desperate, I think she just felt that it was the right time to move on to the next stage of her life, to set up a family, have kids. You don’t have to be desperate to do all this.

Miss Single-and-obviously-is-not-interested: Oh.

Well, it’s just too bad that you regard your singlehood as some sort of freedom that you will never give up by getting into a relationship, and that you are soooo accustomed to that single lifestyle of yours that it has never occurred to you the idea of meeting a guy who can possibly share in your interests, be a reliable and trustworthy friend and companion, and become someone that you can like.

Aren’t you ever full of envy and admiration when you attend your friends’ weddings, and somewhere inside of you you secretly hope that it is you who catch the bouquet? Or do you simply want to be remembered as the Auntie who never got married. And that you never even tried whenever the opportunity presented itself. Everyone aspires to find the special someone with whom you can have great chemistry with, a soulmate to relate to, the life partner. This axiom has always been true, for all time, for everybody, whether if you are a Maths teacher, or a piano teacher. Anyone who tells you otherwise is deluding herself.

And what I do know is that for any relationship, it will take time, effort, and sustained interaction for it to develop. The first step needs to be taken, it could be something as simple as inviting a friend out for dinner, movie, or together let’s share a common interest such as sports, karaoke, go for comics convention, or even join a dance class. Have fun and enjoy the company, and you don’t put too much thought into it,  not yet anyway. Hey, at least you will get to know more friends and meet all sorts of personalities, and have a chance to figure out which character type best appeal to you.

But of course nothing is going to happen unless you actually allow a guy into your life, a relationship can only develop if there is an enthusiasm on both sides to meet up for the occasional dinner or movie date. And sustain this interaction by making your meet-ups regular, such that you both won’t feel too much of a stranger each time you meet and can easily pick up from where you left off. All these need to start off in one form or another, instead of you totally avoiding the issue by only hanging out with your sisterhood of friends, or going off again for your diving trip in Boracay, or aurora-gazing in Norway.

A word of advice: You may not have outgrow that “phase” of yours but instead went on to adopt it as your lifestyle choice. But do your buddy a favour and quit hogging all her time and attention so that she can move on with her life. Some of us are doing our utmost trying to make a breakthrough here, and while you may wish to ride full throttle on that highway of yours, but don’t drag her down to perdition with you. So back off!

Well, I pick up the courage, take the initiative and make the effort to make contact. I want to be close to you, but you are not letting me near. It’s fine if once in a while you are busy and cannot make it for a date, but if you are always that busy the least you could do is suggest an alternative time when you could be free. Otherwise I will assume that it is a lousy excuse that you always use, and I trust that if you are ever free you will have the decency and respect to let me know. On the other hand you didn’t even notice that I’ve stopped looking for you anyway, so I’m calling it even. If you had ever on your own accord felt that it is an important thing to get to know someone better, you will make the time for it.

It doesn’t help much when you treat every SMS I send like the end of a conversation, or that you only bother to reply days later at the end of the week, even for a simple “hello”. And you only give yourself a bad impression by saying things like “Don’t mistake my attention in you for an actual interest”. You justify to yourself by raising the bar so high as to make yourself unattainable for any guy with an honest, genuine interest, and yet you will gladly slut yourself out to the first angmoh or bengala that comes along your way.

I have never assumed that building a relationship will be easy, and I believe that there’s nothing wrong in giving it a push in the right direction. But so as not to scare you away I have already frozen all my efforts to directly bring our friendship up one level. I no longer raised the issue, instead this time round choosing to let it nature take its course, since you so prefer it. Of course I will still be expecting at least some progress to happen with time. But even if with all these the idea of you liking me still never even occurs to you, I will need to move on. Not that I had never taken the chance, or given you the opportunity. Funny, for a while I actually thought that you are just like any other girl hoping to find some romance in life. Stop giving me hope where there is none. We could be dancing, but do we even hold hands?

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